June 13, 2008
Cali is Ms. Diagnosed
In my glorious youth I was in many, many clubs: community service Club, drama Club, forensic speaking Club, Latin Club, girls that liked to be a member of a club Club...you name it I joined. I have a long, long history of joining. I'm very good at it. In my grown up years I didn't have time for clubs any more. I was working, fool! I barely had time to see my friends. (there should have been a club for that...)
Then infertility happened, like shit often does, and it caught me totally unaware. Suddenly I found myself needing to be a joiner again. I needed to feel NOT alone. So I started hanging out at virtual places and lurking about looking for the right type of people to inflict my personality on (at?).
The first group I joined was an awesome SMC (Single Mothers by Choice) forum at a charting site that I will not plug. Also on that site I became fast and furious friends with a group of women that were equally as obsessed as I was about charting and cervix gazing. Then there is The IVP, a group comprised of women dealing with alternative reproduction and all the fun that brings. heh.
But even within these groups I became aware that my knee jerk response to cheerful and chippy newbies was one of snark. I was the worst case scenario girl that had multiple failures under her belt and loved to burst the, "maybe it will happen at the first IUI" bubble. I have become leathered by my sadness and usually have to bite my tongue when faced with blissful optimism.
Thankfully there is now an arena that will cater to those of us that have been through the waiting, struggled with the failures, filled up those wine glasses and cried until our waterproof makeup dripped down our face. No need to sugar coat it here. No need to pretend that you are just fine. No need to say, "having a shit day" and then explain, "well you see I am not pregnant and I have been trying for oh so many years..." We get it here. We understand that there will always be the residue of sadness coating every moment of our life.
My pissing contest list of fertility fun and games includes, but is not limited to:
Being single! (aka- no sperm in the house)
unmedicated cycles: 2
Clomid cycles: 4
Femara cycles: 2
Injectable cycles: 5
Home Insem (ha ha ha!): 1
BCP cycles: 2
IVF 1- shared egg donor cycle: canceled day before ER due to false + Hep C test
IVF 2-BFP! Holy shit! unpregnancy at 5.5 weeks, months of bleeding & depression
break cycles (due to cysts or lack of money): 5 million
My VMB name is: Ms. Diagnosed